Newt Gingrich: Pure Hate

Newt Gingrich: Pure Hate

Maybe 2012 will be the year the world ends? A Gingrich presidency can only mean one thing: The end of time. Some of you may remember Newt Gingrich for his tenure as house speaker, his representing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, or his vacationing with the Devil last summer.

Don’t think Gingrich is a square though. He has 3 wives 2 of which he left when they were diagnosed with debilitating illnesses. In fact he cheated on wife number 2 with wife number 3. When wife 2 confronted him he demanded an open marriage saying “Nah baby it ain’t like that, there is plenty of Newt for all the lovely ladies”. That is how strong he is on family values, he is willing to take on 2 wives (kind of). That should be a lesson to all you gay people out there!

When reporters confronted Newt about his infidelities he said “The institution of marriage has been degraded by the gays. So much so in fact, that I was forced to cheat. Gays have ruined marriage for the rest of us.” Talk about weird news from the family values front.

Rumors also abound about his bizarre personal life. This 1st wife claims that he could not make love to her without quoting the movie The 300. Former aides say he would shoplift “just for the rush”. He ex-campaign manager said “he hates the smell of children; he can’t be in the room with any small kids”.

Newt also made news headlines for his constant attacks on black people (no just Obama). At a campaign stop in South Carolina he said “Black people, stop maxin’ and relaxin’ on welfare. Get a job!” (The majority of welfare recipients are employed full time). Gingrich related news is always funny news that simultaneously makes you very sad.

A Gingrich presidency won’t be all bad however. Children will finally get the right to work in munitions plants, coalmines, and iron mills. “If you can crawl you can work in the mine,” says Gingrich. Gingrich will also kick all those orphans and sick people off the welfare roll, finally. And if you though corporations where strong now, when Newt is president corporations will room the streets at night. If you are unlucky enough to fall into their grasp they will eat you.

Newt Gingrich is hilarious, but I think his presidency will have no humor. Here is to hoping he goes to jail where he belongs.

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